LONELINESS

Loneliness is curable – is it?
Loneliness – the destroyer….

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The following verses are how I felt when I began my rehabilitation at Spelthorne St Mary in Hertfordshire.

There are days when I still feel like this:

Sadness because one has no friends or company.
“feelings of depression and loneliness”
Isolation, friendlessness, lack of friends/companions, forsakenness, abandonment, rejection;
Unpopularity; sadness, unhappiness, forlornness, despondency; lonesomeness.

“He sought refuge in drink because of his loneliness”

This last sentence being apt as I found myself in rehabilitation with 15 other alcoholic women!  After having a complete nervous breakdown I spent 14 months in hospital for people with psychiatric disorders and was diagnosed as ‘Manic Depressive’ now called ‘Bipolar Disorder’

However, you can feel lonely when in a relationship, lonely when in a crowd.  Lonely because you don’t want rejection anymore – you don’t want to hurt anymore – you’ve lost that trust in people and it is very painful.

LONELINESS
 Loneliness is curable – is it?
Loneliness – the destroyer….

 I feel like a newcomer; Alone, Confused, Frightened
Desperately clutching at all that I have left in Cambridge – that horrible flat
But it is near my sons. I feel as though I have lost everything!
I have no enthusiasm NO CONFIDENCE and NO TRUST IN ANYBODY!
My flat is near my boys, but it is also the route to SELF-DESTRUCTION!

 I look at the photographs of my sons “my family”
It hurts so much! I HAVE LOST THEM! No matter what you say. I am
No longer MUM! It is just a word without meaning anymore.
Yes, I got what I wanted – a divorce – but at what cost?
Was it worth the pain, the hurting, and the loneliness?

Can I justify it?
I feel trapped! I don’t belong anywhere.
YES – SELF-PITY! But don’t we all feel that at times?
Especially when we’ve been let down by someone or something we had
Hoped for – or we have let someone down.
Sometimes these feelings pass and at other times, like now, it HURTS….
I just don’t know the answer….

As time went on after eight months learning more about myself and other women in a similar position, I had to go back to reality and try and build my life again.  Eventually, after many battles two of my sons did come back to live with me and my second husband.  However, my eldest son did not as he was in a relationship.

I have moved homes so many times but always kept near my son with learning disabilities, who I still support today.  I have tried to support all three sons as much as possible but there comes a point when they want to make their own way in life and you feel once again that feeling of loneliness – not being useful any longer – not feeling wanted but I will always be here for them and do my best to help and advise them, though sometimes (well, most of the time) the advice is totally ignored…I guess that’s life!

 

Author: trishel66

Retired audio typist/secretary. I have three grown up sons, five grandchildren and one great granddaughter. Finally trying to find myself - who am I - what do I want to do for the rest of my life? Several health issues but I keep telling myself "it could be worse!" I have come a long way in my life - the journey is not over - yet!

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